Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1994
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1994
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1994
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1994
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1994
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1994
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1994
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1994
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994
Listen! Fuckhead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole