"I love cats! They taste just like chicken."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Tow-ers will be violated!"
"At least our cows are sane! But the Sheep are scared!" (Montana)
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about World Peace! Visualize using your turn signal!"
"Warning: Dates in the calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You will be assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"Sex on a television can't hurt you, unless you fall off."