"Members of Congress, people of America... I stand before
you tonight
to say, 'Yes, I banged her. I banged her like a gong at a Chinese New
Year's celebration.' Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't
been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to do
are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because
they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former
Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
"Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary. I do. If not for
the
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
"So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, protested
the war, hid FBI files, inhaled, flipped Whitewater property, set up a
new Chinese wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush
money to Hubbell, rented the Lincoln bedroom out like a Motel 6, and
grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
"Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
out to be a smart move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an
aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called
"Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White
House. Before him, it was Reagan, who made decisions with advice from
Nancy's astrologist and slept through Iran-Contra meetings. There was
Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling
the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Ford was an
accident and clumsy to boot. Nixon coined, but never really
understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability' and got a one-way
ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad, war criminal whose major
contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy,
who was more than a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the
White House. Eisenhower was poking his English driver while driving
the Germans out of France, and Roosevelt died with his mistress
present, not Eleanor.
"This brings me back to my main point. Since I have been strumming
the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less.
The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun
salute to Marilyn, a fact, by the way, that the press didn't seem to
care about at the time.
"Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman.
"The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of
dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can
spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance
cost of his boat instead of where his next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here, I'm doing a damn fine job,
and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
"What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter.
Unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like
to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and
what kind of life you're living before you get too upset over where
I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
"Thank you, and good night."