There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow
manure.
Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat.
He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly a way.
He found that he had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against
the wall.
He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he
would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is:
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
Good:Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly
beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of
interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
3. Over 47: Try weakly
Aaaack (aak) interj. ~~ An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first
thing in the morning --- and you don't know where the spider is.
Airhead (er*hed) n. ~~ What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. ~~ A discussion that occurs when you' re right, but he just
hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. ~~ To go to the cash machine and hit
"inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n ~~ You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he*
"made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. ~~ Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n ~~ Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. ~~ An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. ~~ A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half
pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. ~~ The last two minutes of a basketball game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v ~~ To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a
purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. ~~ What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to
take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. ~~ Someone who is able to create a style you will never be
able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n ~~ Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he
isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. ~~ You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to
hold your hand and say focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n ~~ On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On
his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. ~~ Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and
neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. ~~ The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. ~~ A day when you have dreams of a candlelight
dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. ~~ Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim,
but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n ~~ The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end
up doing it yourself ...anyway.