A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.  He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in favor of it.  The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.  But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.  The husband was still feeling fine.  The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.  At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.  The husband continued to feel quite well.  Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.  The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.  She and her husband were ecstatic.  When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

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Welcome to the HMO Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.

Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

A little boy was riding in the car with his mother one day.  He sat quietly for a little while, and then he turned to his mom and asked, "Where are all the idiots?"  His mother replied, "They only come out when your father drives, dear."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.  The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"  The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."  While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.   The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.  They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.  The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.  The father then said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.  To this end, I hold M&M duels.  Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters.  That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.  The winner gets to go another round.  I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.  I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.  Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest.  Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.  In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.  When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."   This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms.  I consider this "grant money."  I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.  From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.  There can be only one.