I've never understood why women love cats.  Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.  In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. --Jay Leno

Two Irish seniors are fishing.  The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle.  As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out of the bottle.  The genie says, "Ahh! That's great.  I was trapped in there for centuries.  I have to give you one wish."  The Irish guy says, "Turn the lake into beer."  The genie says "Done..." He waves his hand, and the lake turns into beer.  The Irish guy says to his pal, "So what do you think?"  The second guy says, "I think you're an asshole.  Now we have to piss in the boat."

A married couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.   The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."  The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"  The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."  Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.  What do YOU say to that?!"  Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.  The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"  The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"  The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!  But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"